My boyfriend Nick and I have been together for almost four years now. Up until recently, I had always gotten along well with his family. We’d spend holidays together, exchange birthday gifts, and I thought we were on good terms, like I was really part of the family.
Every year, Nick’s family goes on a trip, and this summer, they planned to go to a destination I had always wanted to visit. So, I asked Nick’s mom, who was organizing the trip, if I could join them—I’d be happy to pay for my own expenses. Unfortunately, she told me it was a family-only trip and that I wasn’t considered family yet. I mentioned this to Nick, and he explained that no one’s significant other was invited, so I wasn’t the only one excluded. Although I was disappointed, I let it go and didn’t bring it up again.
As fall approached and the weather started to cool, Nick’s family came over for a visit. To celebrate the season, I made my family’s chili recipe, which Nick and his family absolutely love. I made sure to make enough so they could take some home with them. Before leaving, Nick’s mom asked me if I could share the recipe with her, as she wanted to make it for a work potluck. I told her I couldn’t, since it’s a secret family recipe. She then asked if we considered ourselves family. I jokingly replied, “According to you, we’re not.” After that, she simply said, “Oh, okay,” and left.
After everyone had left, Nick told me that I was being cruel. I reminded him that it was his mom who had first told me I wasn’t considered family, and I don’t think she gets to decide when that changes. He argued that it was a different situation and accused me of being petty. After that, he left and has been distant ever since. I just don’t understand how it’s okay for his mom to deny me something because I’m “not family,” but when I stand up for myself, I’m the one in the wrong?
Later, I had a conversation with both Nick and his mom. I needed to express how hurt I was by her words. Hearing her tell me to my face that I wasn’t considered family really stung, and I felt even worse when it seemed like she only wanted to claim me as family when it benefited her. She apologized and explained that she didn’t mean to make it sound that way. What she actually meant was that the trip was intended as a kind of reward for a future marriage or a gesture to officially welcome me into the family.
Nick also apologized, saying he had no idea his mom had said that to me. He thought she had just told me I couldn’t come on the trip, but he didn’t realize she had actually made that comment about not seeing me as family. He admitted that when he saw his mom upset, he let his emotions take over, and didn’t stop to think before reacting. Although we had the conversation, it feels like both Nick and his mom are walking on eggshells around me now. I’m not sure if this is better than them just ignoring me, but at least we’ve had the talk.
